I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

Say what you want about the deaf.

The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.

If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids.

People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?

My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."

Excellence annoys your haters, success infuriates them, and genius kills them.

Reality is like a fine wine, ” he said to me. “It will not appeal to children.

Smiling and Expressions of Emotion. A genuine smile is inviting, contagious, and encouraging. People do read a book by its cover and your expressions provide a glimpse for what they’ll find inside.

The ceiling on taxation of capital gains reflects the national belief that speculation is a more worthwhile way to make a living than work.

And she could never give me an answer. And I realized that, you know, I had a problem on my hands.

When you find what you love, you do it. That's it.

Everyone knows that if you buy chocolate with spare change, then the calories don't count.

You've always said I should have an inquiring mind," she said. "I have. But not an interrupting one.

... the attempt to render visual intricacy makes words feel unwieldy, like sacks of meaning that must be lugged into place, dragged here and there, then still don't fell accurate.

Be relentless in your looking, because you are the one you seek.