I'm not drunk onstage, although I've done that a couple of times when I was younger. It's partly just the way I talk - I talk like somebody in a rocking chair. I'm your 150-year-old grandmother.

People will kill you over time, and how they'll kill you is with tiny, harmless phrases, like 'be realistic.'

Money can't buy you love, but it can get you some really good chocolate ginger biscuits.

Black Books adheres to a more old fashioned, traditional sitcom format, which I think works, because in its own way, it's quite theatrical.

You’re not an adult at all - you're just a tall child holding a beer, having conversations you don't understand...

Don't do it! Stay away from your potential. You'll mess it up, it's potential, leave it. Anyway, it's like your bank balance - you always have a lot less than you think.

I'm quite a compulsive person-I only worked this out recently - I'm compulsive, but I'm also very indecisive. I don't know what I want, but I know that I want it now.

Oh how I hate you. I hate you so much it gives me energy. I have to get up early in the morning just to hate you, because there's not enough time in the day! Please GO AWAY!

I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.

I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow.

You try various things when you're growing up. I was an attache in the Foreign Service for a while and then I drove a bulldozer, but neither of those panned out for me so it had to be stand-up.

I am an empty mind with an empty body and with an empty soul. I am neither haunting for anything nor something.

Depression is melancholy minus its charms.

Fear is met and destroyed with courage.

There are always two voices sounding in our ears-the voice of fear and the voice of confidence. One is the clamor of the senses the other is the whispering of the higher self.

God listens to our weeping when the occasion itself is beyond our knowledge but still within His love and power.

The nationalist has a broad hatred and a narrow love.

I define a diva as a woman who possesses courage, beauty, style, and confidence. Based on that definitions, I've probably got a bit more work to do.

The sky is blue today, Max, and there is a big long cloud, and it's stretched out, like a rope. At the end of it, the sun is like a yellow hole. . .

I remember that coming to America was scary for me because everything here is just bigger, better, shinier, you know?

The flame of Christian ethics is still our highest guide.