I'm not going to name any names, but let's just say, I want to do jokes on Donald Trump so badly, and I have no venue. So right now, I'm just dry Trumping.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

By choosing recovery and risking to be real, we set the healthy boundaries that say, "I am in charge of my recovery and my life, and no one else on this Earth is.

Work hard in silence.

The dark sky seemed to swallow the moon, as Samantha stood alone on the deserted highway.

She thought about how in that moment life was perfect because it was simple. One truck, a world asleep, and a million stars.It didn’t matter where they were going. She was just existing.

Started from the chair hop now we here.

A highbrow is a man who has found something more interesting than women.

If you forget yourself, you become the universe.

I really didn't know who Dario [Argento] was. I didn't know who Harvey Keitel was. It was a wonderful experience, though.

The worship of words is more pernicious than the worship of images. Grammatolatry is the worst species of idolatry.

Nature takes away any faculty that is not used.