I'm not here to affect you politically or socially. I'm here to make you laugh. I use the news as the palette for my jokes.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Genuflection before the idol or the dollar destroys the muscles which walk and the will that moves.

God is no further from you on your worst day than He is on your best day. Just open your heart to receive Him and His love.

Love is not in our choice but in our fate.

We are greater than the sum of our parts.

I'm involved with Recording Artists and Actors Against Drunk Driving. I'm also involved with most children's causes, because children can't help the environment they're in.

Everybody's born to be different, that's the one thing that makes us the same.

I do think that campaigns are about electing somebody, but they're also about a discussion of the future of our country.

Love or perish" we are told and we tell ourselves. The phrase is true enough so long as we do not interpret it as "Mingle or be a failure.

Rejection reveals your character.

I have often found a small stream at its fountain-head, that, when followed up, carried away the camel with his load.