I'm not like a performer type.

Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before."

My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your dream? To pump up and open your mail?

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.

Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.

Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?

In the Modern Age, there are still those who refuse to contradict a single word of the Bible, even though the Bible contradicts itself.

Man's status in the natural world is determined, therefore, by the quality of his thinking.

The key to contentment was to never ask why

The doctor unfortunately said I was fit.

We're running a war by politicians and we're running a war by political correctness as per that question [with ISIS].

And all may do what has by man been done.

Even though I smoke, just because I'm a dumbass doesn't mean anyone else has to be.

There's only two ways to be completely alone in this world, lost in a crowd or in total isolation.

People ask me a lot, 'what can one person do,' and I say 'I'm not really sure what one person can due except come together with other people.'

I have never acted in one and I'm not at all interested to do so either.