I'm not racist, I've got a black president.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

When we get impatient because something is taking too long, we should remember that Life waits on us a thousand times more than we wait on Life.

Pray and read your Bible daily. God has all the answers you seek

The time has come for writers, especially those who are artists, to admit that in this world one cannot make anything out, just as Socrates once admitted it, just as Voltaire admitted it.

The enforcement of the law cannot depend on the justice of a cause or one man's conscience.

Freedom of speech doesn't protect speech you like; it protects speech you don't like.

My uncles were all funny. My dad wasn't funny, but my uncles were all funny. Now I go back and I like him better than them, they were manipulative funny.

Love is a grave mental illness.

Me and normal have never really been on speaking terms.

There's no point trying to sugar-coat this or get Jesuitical about it. Yes, Russia tried to manipulate our election. It's appalling. Yes, it should be investigated and taken seriously.

As an artist I have an even more abiding interest in the compact between the Arts and Government.