I'm not really a homosexual. I just help them out when they're busy.

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it. -Andrew Young, author, civil rights activist, US congressman, mayor, and UN ambassador (b. 1932)

No neurotic harbors thoughts of suicide which are not murderous impulses against others redirected upon himself.

Character is doing what you don't want to do but know you should do.

Being ready isn't enough you have to be prepared for a promotion or any other significant change.

What does Burma have to give the United States? We can give you the opportunity to engage with people who are ready and willing to change a society.

If you're doing something the same way you have been doing it for ten years, the chances are you are doing it wrong.

Writing is thinking. To write well is to think clearly. That's why it's so hard.

Blaming our behavior on forces outside ourselves is a way of avoiding responsibility.

I realize how depraved it was to instill false guilt in an innocent child's conscience, causing a distorted image of life, God, & self, leaving little if any feeling of personal worth.

Life is not a dress rehearsal - every day is opening night.