I'm not saying my mother-in-law is fat - because she is of reasonable size, and I care about her and her self-image.

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.

We used to sleep five to a bed and three of them used to wet the bed. I learnt to swim before I could walk.

I've got cheekier with age. You can get away with murder when you're 71 years old. People just think I'm a silly old fool.

If you want to drink, have a drink... if you want to drive, then drive... there's nothing worse than having a smash sober.

I once got sacked for laughing ... mind you, I was driving a hearse at the time.

Uncyclopedia isn't funny anymore.

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a a note on it saying, toys not included.

We say of some things that they can't be forgiven, or that we will never forgive ourselves. But we do--we do it all the time.

I want my writing to reach people. I don't write for a market. I write from my heart, something that appeals to me. The marketing, segmenting etc., can be done by your publisher, not you.

I hate a man who swallows [his food], affecting not to know what he is eating. I suspect his taste in higher matters.

Fortunately for us and our world, young people are not easily discouraged. The hopes of the world rest on the fresh outlook of young people

I never lecture, not because I am shy or a bad speaker, but simply because I detest the sort of people who go to lectures and don't want to meet them.

There was never a finer character - charitable and friendly to his foes and ever willing to help a youngster breaking in.

If you need a helping hand, you can find one at the end of your arm.

If you're on a beach and a tsunami hits, you'll drown whether you're a small child or an Olympic swimmer. Some things will go bad no matter how good you are.

I've seen things, and that's almost the same as doing them.

Dear Pope, send me some hope or a rope.