I'm not saying that McDonald's gift certificates caused the obesity epidemic, but in retrospect, the timing is kind of suspicious.

The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.

Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food.

You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

I talk kinda slow, especially for the Northeast, so it was a way to beat [would-be hecklers] to the punch.

My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.

In the end, the type of parent you are is going to be something that you carry with you. ... Having multiple kids, it's been a gift in a way. It's keeping the priorities straighter.

The brave with all of their weaknesses are better than the cowardly with all of their strengths.

A man who stands in front of a woman does nothing more that block her view. She needs a man standing next to her.

You always get a special kick on opening day, no matter how many you go through. You look forward to it like a birthday party when you're a kid. You think something wonderful is going to happen.

Having a child, that's always been my biggest fear. I want a child and I fear a child.

My dad was a singer in a band and neither of my parents went to college, and I ended up getting into Harvard and was the first person in my family that went to college and it happened to be Harvard.

Masculinity is the glad assumption of sacrificial responsibility.

To solve the human equation, we need to add love, subtract hate, multiply good, and divide between truth and error.

I'm the kind of person [who] when I'm doing a play, and even when I'm working, I don't do anything else. When I'm working, I just work.

I'm a competitor. I really enjoyed the race more than just going out and running to run.

Having to try and going through the trials and tribulations to actually overcome, to get there to win, to triumph, that's what makes life interesting