I'm not sure why I'm so often disgusting on stage. I don't always know where it comes from.

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

Everything is amazing and nobody is happy

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

To see the universe clearly, you need not only a clear sky but also a clear mind!

Imagination will often carry us to worlds that never were, but without it we go nowhere.

We can choose not to remember this day, but bones have strong memories. And earth never forgets.

Would the mountain cherry blossoms return my affection for there is no one else out here. /もろともに あはれと思へ 山桜 花よりほかに 知る人もなし

Never be fooled into believing that there is one speck out of order.

I firmly believe kids don't want your understanding. They want your trust, your compassion, your blinding love and your car keys, but you try to understand them and you're in big trouble.

Discouraging smoking and drinking is a left ideal.

It's not like I didn't do anything for 10 years and chose a new profession. I've been on the ice a lot. I'm not an outsider.

I wanted to fly when I was little. I still want to fly.

We make our own choices and we're each responsible for them. Blame and credit belong to the individual. You haven't the right to claim either from someone else.