I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.

Say what you want about the deaf.

The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.

If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids.

People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?

When the facts change, I change my mind. What do you do, sir?

Blessed is he that considereth the poor.

UXORIOUSNESS, n. A perverted affection that has strayed to one's own wife.

I'm sure coach Frank Rijkaard will want the Dutch to go on and score a fourth now - although obviously they'll have to score the third one first.

None but mothers know each other's feelings when we give up our daughters whom we love and cherish so tenderly to the mercies of a man, and perhaps even a stranger.

Discrimination is not liberal. Arguing against discrimination is not intolerance.

Ironically, the insistence that doctrines do not matter is really a doctrine itself

Use your imagination. Trust me, your lives are not interesting. Don't write them down.

I believe I and all the Chinese people have such a conviction that China will make continuous progress and the people's wishes for and needs for democracy and freedom are irresistible.