I'm obviously younger, much better looking [then Jeorge W.Bush].He didn't veto things, he didn't bring order and fiscal restraint.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Leaders don’t settle for less. When you do so, you rob humanity of what you are supposed to deliver!

Writing fiction or nonfiction is a lonely battle wrestling with sentences in an effort to put together an intelligible thought that speaks for the author.

He knows little who will tell his wife all he knows.

I went to church and couldn't swallow it. The music was nice but I don't belong there.

I was never into the boy crazy thing because I was very focused on my career.

Suppose something goes wrong? Suppose you need a big full-figure woman like me to help straighten things out?" Lula

What those people who ask for equality have in mind is always an increase in their own power to consume.

The best work we can all do is create the highest vision possible for our lives and be led by that vision to the greatest good.

There you are, sir. There's nothing more than to love and be loved.

You are free to love without an agenda