I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Never make a judgment on a one sided story because people may tell you what they want you to hear, rather than what you need to hear.

Fate is a funny character. She puts obstacles in your path to see what character ye have. Life isn't fair, life is a test.

A beautiful person is someone who stays true to themselves and their spirit someone who is self-confident and can make you smile.

What I am trying to do right now is simply focus on what is happening right now. Obviously, I would hope there are future opportunities.

Everywhere, authority and tradition have to justify themselves in the face of questions.

There's a difference between using the word to insult somebody and using it to start a journalistic conversation.

Your character defects are not where you're bad, but where you're wounded. But no matter who or what causes the wound, it's yours now and you're responsible for it.

I have never known a greater miracle, or monster, than myself.

Works of art cannot save us. They can simply render us more sensitive to what needs to be repaired.

Our enemies are our outward consciences.