I'm only... I'm only unhappy when the reviews are bad, but give me a good review and I'm a... I'm just screaming all over the place with joy.

Ed Sullivan brought me to TV first in 1952, then Garry Moore's program gave me a lot of confidence and freedom.

Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.

If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.

Let's face it: It's difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.

I made it, Ma - Carnegie Hall. And I didn't have to practice.

A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat!

You know you are getting old when people tell you how good you look.

Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?

If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.

My father helped me leave. He said, 'It's all out there, it's not here.'

In church, the rules of the lifeboat don't apply. Church is the refuge where the Kingdom of God is emulated, not mocked.

Billy squinted at me. "Why are you letting them go?""Because they're real.""How do you know?""The one I was holding crapped on my hand.

The greatest threat to our Constitution is our own ignorance of it.

Should alcoholics go to liquor stores?

Australians are a fantastic bunch of people but the attention can be overwhelming for someone like me.

Exactitude is not truth. [Fr., L'exactitude n'est pas la verite.]

The ukulele is the instrument of peace.

Readiness of speech is often inability to hold the tongue.

It is the inalienable right of every man, woman, and child to wear khaki.

And sometimes people don't realize that 90 percent of the persistent poverty counties are located in rural America.