I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Do not look back at the decision, look for the solution.

Emote. It's okay. It shows you are thinking and feeling.

I meet people in my daily life, people who seem to experience some change and some growth on a personal level, and that gives me hope.

Be who you are - whatever you are.

I have the power of my height. Growing up, it was a total drawback. There was nothing good about it at all.

So Now You're Death: Here's What You'll Need

I imagine, like all his predecessors, Barak Obama would like to achieve greatness in bringing peace in the Middle East. I hope it will not be at the expense of Israel.

The ritual was very important to me: cleaning the pot, rolling the pot.

If men are God's gift to women, then God must really love gag gifts.