I'm pretty equal opportunity when it comes to issues to joke about.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.

It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.

I felt something inside me rush up from tailbone to fingertips and explode in a fierce, joyful tide: that berserk rage that had nowhere to go until now.

Love isn't suppose to hurt. If it does, then it is absolutely not a true love.

IMPRESSIONS

I’m tougher than you think. You just need to believe in me. You know, like a fairy.

It is good to have an end to journey toward but it is the journey that matters in the end.

I have to say, you know, I've seen so many people go through the cycle and become famous and not famous anymore and, you know, want - have their priorities change and want different things.

When my mother and I walked to the grocery store, men would circle the block in cars. It was very, very scary, especially as a young boy. Very predatory - a hunt.

Great things are possible only to strong souls and it's from the trivial events of daily life that strength is won.

I dont wear cologne. I do occasionally, but anytime I take a shower, I just put on deodorant. Thats basically what I smell like.

I think anything that anyone writes thats any good is going to have a lot of autobiography.