I'm putting on a suit and tie when I go see The Great Gatsby.

I thought 'Pineapple Express' was hilarious.

Remember Tupperware? That was the toughest stuff ever. Why can't they make a phone out of Tupperware?

When you're babysitting a kid, all you're seeing is a version of them, a small dosage.

I am the comedy version of ambidextrous. I'm working with my left and right hand. I'm the two-sided coin. I'm all of those metaphors you can think of. I'm the interracial couple. I'm BET and CBS.

You're trying to make someone wet their pants and you're trying to make somebody crap in their pants. That's the motivation of a comic. Who else has that power?

All you wanna do in life is do what you do well. That's when you're happiest.

You know how you put peanut butter on a piece of bread and the bread falls - it never falls on the bread side down, it always falls peanut butter side down. That's because of gravity.

You ever taste some damn chicken so horrible, that you wished the chicken would show up at your house and show your lady how to cook him?

Man, you can come see me six or seven times in a row and you'll never see the same show twice, because I don't like to be robotic onstage. I like to perform for that particular audience.

This Italian restaurant I'm at is authentic! When they seat you, they give you a mustache.

You are all alike, you people. You never learn the truth--that God knows nothing.

When something is truly meant for YOU, you won't have to force it, rush it, or manipulate it.

You pays your money and you takes your choice.

A government is the most dangerous threat to man

History is lived forwards but it is written in retrospect. We know the end before we consider the beginning and we can never wholly recapture what it was to know the beginning only.

I love football, but I'm sick of the World Cup. I don't even care about England.

Never duck responsibility, its like running from the rain only to fall into the river.

I want you to hear a new version of Dueling Banjos. Anyone else is welcome.

Resignation is just simply out of the question.

Government is the people's business and every man, woman and child becomes a shareholder with the first penny of tax paid.