I'm racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson's back when he was black.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Sometimes one really need to have a spiritual eyes and mind, to be able to see and understand somethings

She can't have understood you: you are so utterly different from ordinary men. That's what I liked about you when I first saw you

Gratitude is a state of mind that inherently recognizes interdependence with the external world, whether it be other humans, nature, the sacred, or a combination of these.

I wouldn't say I'm a political junkie. I follow it. I read a few articles every day.

Do not debate! is one of my inventions.

How do we redefine education so that 30-50 percent of inner-city children do not drop out of school, thus ensuring that millions will end up in prison?

Buy me and you will overcome the anxieties I have just reminded you of

Certainly, people like Gaga have introduced a new type of hat-wearing.

Find the ideal in something not ideal.

The supreme end is the freedom of the spirit.