I'm really not that funny in real life! But I am the best audience one could find. I love to laugh.

Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me.

When you have a dream, you've got to grab it and never let go.

Before you go to bed, write down three 'gratefuls' for the day and three 'did wells' (they can even include something as simple as doing the laundry)-the results can be amazing!

It's almost impossible to be funnier than the people in Washington.

You have to have faith that there is a reason you go through certain things. I can't say I'm glad to go through pain, but in a way one must, in order to gain courage and really feel joy.

If someone tells you that you cannot do something and you believe it, they are right.

It's also selfish because it makes you feel good when you help others. I've been helped by acts of kindness from strangers. That's why we're here, after all, to help others.

It costs a lot to sue a magazine, and it's too bad that we don't have a system where the losing team has to pay the winning team's lawyers.

No one ever said life was fair. Just Eventful.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

Most great products have been made over the dead bodies of experts.

Memories demand attention, and these memories will have teeth.

Wine ...moderately drunken it doth quicken a man's wits, It doth comfort the heart.

One's first responsible job is the great revealer - far more than school.

What you leave at your death, let it be without controversy, else the lawyers will be your heirs.

I always believe in being prepared, even when I'm dressed in white tie and tails.

I know, I know - you're a woman who's had a lot of tough breaks. Well, we can clean and tighten those brakes, but you'll have to stay in the garage all night.

What pleases our mind is not dangerous enough.

I'm sorry to say it has some historical analogs. It's kind of reminiscent of what happened in Germany in the late Weimar years.

The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer.