I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Little things done with love are better than big things without love.

You were right this time and that time after all you made few clever moves.

All men seek one goal: success or happiness.

Sometimes I wake up and think I wish id never told the world my story but I know good comes from it

I love what I'm doing. But I love the USA more. And I can straighten it out. And I can truly make this country great again and nobody else can do what I do.

Crusaders have just f-ked me over what a bas-rd joke, excuse my language I'm absolutely furious.

Thank God for novelists. Thank God there are people willing to write everything down. Otherwise, so much would be forgotten.

Our love for our Father in Heaven and the Lord Jesus Christ needs to be reflected in our daily choices and actions. They have promised peace, joy, and happiness to those who keep Their commandments.

I can't move my body slowly. I can't move the line slowly. So I end up with way too much, often opaque to me later.

I think when you look at religion, you look at where Christianity came from. You know, my mom delved deeper into that. And she felt a deep connection.