I'm so bored. I went to the food locker yesterday to visit my meat.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

I love having my birthday at Australia Zoo.

Faculty Meetings are held whenever the need to show off is combined with the imperative of accomplishing nothing.

I don't believe any pair of people had been more removed physically from the rest of the world than we were.

The United States has an incredible debt. That is obviously not the way to live. You have to eliminate waste in your life as the United States has to eliminate waste in its spending.

Good enough to tweet, not to say.

My dad was a good man but an emotionally absent father, and so I had to look for that male attention somewhere else, and found it in a brother-in-law. He just happened to be an alcoholic.

All wish to be learned, but no one is willing to pay the price.

If we can accept as true that life circumstances are not the keys to happiness, we'll be greatly empowered to pursue happiness for ourselves.

Be grateful more than anything in your life. If you have to put a priority on something, put a priority on what your thankful for and the people in your life that you're grateful for.

She had rooms in her mind that she would not look into.