I'm so fat and I'm so depressed; last night I tried to hang myself - but the rope broke.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

You have mastered the art of discipline when you are able to act according to what you ultimately desire rather than how you feel in the present moment.

People will buy anything that's one to a customer.

You have to be funny about it and honest about it. You can't leave yourself out of that mix. You have to be honest enough to say, I'm that messed-up one in the family.

If my life was a movie, no one would believe it.

Politicians are like ships: noisiest when lost in a fog.

Every idea occurs while you are working. If you are sitting around waiting for inspiration, you could sit there forever.

Viewing the child solely as an immature person is a way of escaping comforting him.

I'm convinced that we can shape a different future for this country as it relates to mental health and as it relates to suicide.

Food is a big part of my culture, so everyone knows how to cook. When I came to America and asked a babysitter to softboil an egg for my son and she didn't know how, I was shocked.

Was none who would be foremost To lead such dire attack; But those behind cried "Forward!" And those before cried "Back!