I'm sorry and ashamed to report that I'm not actually a Jew. I was pretending to be a Jew to minimize the holocaust.

My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.

George Lopez does so much mugging, I'm surprised he's not up on charges.

People are trying so hard to become famous. Johnny Marbles, he tried to throw a pie in Rupert Murdoch's face. What do I gotta do, give Sumner Redstone a wedgie?

You know, civil rights is great and everything, but a lot of people don't realize that plumbers in the South make less money than when they used to install separate drinking fountains.

There's a lot of controversy online, some people say i'm a genius and other say i'm hugely talented.

Jewish people, we don't need the money. We're doctors and lawyers. It's the Christians who can't hold a steady job and have to go on TV and ask for money.

Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street.

I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.

Some of my inventions didn't take off. I invented a url lengthener.

My cat's fully capable of speaking, but he says he's afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.

But that's hindsight for you: never there when you need it.

if you think DRINKING is bad, then stop THINKING (ejump, 2017)

Your ability to discern key people in your life and organization before you bring them in saves you lots of time, trouble, and regrets... Watch out!!!

It is part and parcel of every man's life to develop beauty in himself. All perfect things have in them an element of beauty.

The deity is within you, not in ideas and books. Truth is lived, not taught.

If all the people who have been hurt by the war were to exclude joy from their lives, it would almost be as if they had died.

The Bible is a wonderful book; you can prove anything you want with it.

As I got older, with my work, I became aware of the responsibility of film, and I feel one of the best ways I can apply myself as an actor, is to go beyond movie stardom and celebrity.

We don't celebrate failure in Silicon Valley. We celebrate learning

I had to be at least 8 or 9; I was listening to everything on the radio. You name it, I heard every song.