I'm still here. I knocked off another competitor.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

Whenever you hurt someone, you bring torment into your own life.

When there is no owner, there will be an abuser.

Don't let the inconsequential fairy tales stand in your way! You do what makes you happy, no matter what.

The thing I like about baseball is that it's one-on-one. You stand up there alone, and if you make a mistake, it's your mistake. If you hit a home run, it's your home run.

I'm going to tell you the story about the geese which fly 5,000 miles from Canada to France.

Turning a human being into a thing is almost always the first step towards justifying violence against that person.

Vehement writing, even if it is charged with truth, is no answer to violent action.

I honestly think being single's great. Being in a relationship's great. It's all about the timing.

I play way too much blitz chess. It rots the brain just as surely as alcohol.

Cultivated leisure is the aim of man.