I'm still working on my time machine. If I ever perfect it, I'm going back in time to prevent Ace Ventura 2 from being made. And then I'm going after Hitler.

My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.

George Lopez does so much mugging, I'm surprised he's not up on charges.

People are trying so hard to become famous. Johnny Marbles, he tried to throw a pie in Rupert Murdoch's face. What do I gotta do, give Sumner Redstone a wedgie?

You know, civil rights is great and everything, but a lot of people don't realize that plumbers in the South make less money than when they used to install separate drinking fountains.

There's a lot of controversy online, some people say i'm a genius and other say i'm hugely talented.

Jewish people, we don't need the money. We're doctors and lawyers. It's the Christians who can't hold a steady job and have to go on TV and ask for money.

Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street.

I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.

Some of my inventions didn't take off. I invented a url lengthener.

My cat's fully capable of speaking, but he says he's afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.

Why do you cry?""I almost lost you...""You cannot lose me, not when you are part of me...You cannot lose has become part of you.

Happiness is not being pained in body or troubled in mind.

My favorite thing about New York is the people, because I think they’re misunderstood. I don’t think people realize how kind New York people are.

Anyone who tells you that the core issue is the needs of those living here illegally has simply spent too much time in Washington.

Let's get loose with Compassion. Let's drown in the delicious ambience of Love.

I wear [socks and underwear] once and throw them out. Even when I'm home...I wouldn't think of washing them.

I'm pretty proud of having completed a marathon myself, so I can only imagine the pride that real athletes feel when they are picked for the Olympic or the Paralympic Games.

Sometimes you just got to give yourself what you wish someone else would give you.

Christianity is completely and radically anti-democratic; it is committed to spiritual aristocracy.

When someone we love is having difficulty and is giving us a bad time, it's better to explore the cause than to criticize the action.