I'm sure I have a lot to atone for, if there is a judgment day. It's gonna be a long list for me. It goes right up until I was about 18 and then I sort of straightened out.

I don't expect success. I prepare for it.

Are you stalking me? Because that would be super.

I dragged my wife from our honeymoon in Africa and landed her in Ontario, Canada, when it was -40 degrees.

Laughing can serve you in dark moments and even help you crawl your way back out.

Everyone thinks their baby is a genius. People find it delightfully refreshing when I tell them, My baby? Totally average. Like, 100 percent average.

I just love bikes. It's not the safest passion to have, but I guess it's better than Russian roulette.

There are so few surprises left in life. We've gotten so addicted to knowing. It's the Google generation. We want the answer to everything right now!

If it weren’t so off-putting for my co-workers. I’d wear my flannel, one-piece 'Hannah Montana' pajamas, like, all the time!

I've done things to my body, mechanically, that I'll never do again. I've done stunts that I shouldn't have done 10, 11, 12 times. I've broken a ton of bones on sets.

Guys are lucky: We can wear a suit over and over, just with different shirts and ties.

If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.

Believe in yourself and relief yourself of the undue anxiety of feelings of incompetency. Leave worry aside and live with the hope that your dominion is not determined by people’s negative opinions!

Criticism in the universities, I'll have to admit, has entered a phase where I am totally out of sympathy with 95% of what goes on. It's Stalinism without Stalin.

Writers should be able to fully deduct from their taxes all writing-related expenses, including alcohol, parking tickets, court judgments, fines for lewd public behavior, Zoloft, and cigarettes.

To tell the truth is an act of love. To withhold the truth is an act of hate. Or worse, apathy.

Of all the plagues with which the world is curst, Of every ill, a woman is the worst.

The very commonplaces of life are components of its eternal mystery.

It is one of the triumphs of the human that he can know a thing and still not believe it.

He's picked clean! Eaten by cats!

It is quite unlawful to demand, defend, or to grant unconditional freedom of thought, or speech, of writing or worship, as if these were so many rights given by nature to man.