I'm sure that people who have been tweeting funny things have ended up on writing staffs of a late night show.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

For he says, "In the time of my favor I heard you, and in the day of salvation I helped you." I tell you, now is the time of God's favor, now is the day of salvation. 2 Corinthians 6:2

Rhyme and reason answer all problems

Bless you with the curse to remain busy always.

Evening and morning and at noon will I pray.

I've always looked for the perfect life to step into. I've taken all the paths to get where I wanted. But no matter where I go, I still come home.

Abortion is an act of self-defense.

I always planned to retire when I was at the top and at Manchester United I have reached the pinnacle of my career.

My heart is broke, but I have some glue, help me inhale and mend it with you.

Our Heavenly Father is far too wise and loves us far too much to give us everything we ask for.

I think the Muslim community is now being asked to bear an unfair burden to save a great faith from the fundamentalists and a great nation from bigotry.