I'm surprized Hitler didn't round up the toupee people.

Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there's your diamond in the rough.

Even though the National Guard and Army Reserve see combat today, it rankles me that people assume it was some kind of waltz in the park back then.

Being Larry David on Curb Your Enthusiasm was the best thing to happen to Larry David in life.

Give a guy a girlfriend and a great job, he doesn’t need therapy.

I’d rather have the thieves than the neighbors - the thieves don't impose. Thieves just want your things, neighbors want your time.

Women love a self-confident bald man.

Sometimes you have to wander a bit, and do what you don't want to in order to figure out what it is you're supposed to do.

Switzerland is a place where they don't like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.

I had a job as a paralegal. I drove a cab.

A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

I created the peplum so you can eat in it. You can have a dessert, you can have another sandwich.

As much as it's sometimes hard to make choices about where you invest, it's equally hard to make choices about where you don't invest and what you eliminate.

In organizations (or even in a society) where culture is weak, you need an abundance of heavy, precise rules and processes.

The songs themselves do broaden out as time passes and take on subtly different meanings, take on more meaning, I find.

I want to be known as a funny comic not just a funny Latino comic. I want to be able to go everywhere and anywhere.

It's crazy how every guitarist is their own worst critic in many ways.

My grandmother, when she looked at American movies, she said, 'They're all the same. In the first scene somebody shoots somebody and then everybody makes phone calls.'

I recently learn a new word: insatiable. That's me.

A lot of people have dreams and never do anything about them. When you have ideas and dreams, you do something about it.