I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.

The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.

I have a horrible memory and I used to consider that a liability, but I've learned along the way that talking to people is really a beautiful thing.

I mean, I do love clever and witty, but I think that the 'Three Stooges' were geniuses. They'd have to be for their appeal to have lasted this long.

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.

I got my dog three years ago because I was drunk in a pet store. We had nine cats at the time. The cats started hiding the alcohol after that.

I don’t believe for a second that weightlifting is a sport. They pick up a heavy thing and put it down again. To me, that’s indecision.

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas

Remember when you were considered an environmentalist when you didn't throw junk out the car window? I sure do miss that simpler, happier time.

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.

When we save the rain forest, the polar bear, and Al Gore, we should party so hard that Canada calls the cops on us for noise.

Don't seek the devil in the place which he calls his home

Of course, I tried to surround myself with other people like me whose dream of writing was a constant burden....

Use your intuition. Just trust yourself and keep true to that.

He [Hitler] is a very great man. "Fuhrer" is the proper name for him, for he is a born leader, yes, and statesman.

America is running a fever, but there are no emergency rooms.

The definition of a security state is one that prioritizes security over all other considerations.

Words have power. Speak positively and positive things will happen to you. Speak negatively and negative things will happen to you. Choose positive words.

These divisions in the international community - the Syrians bear quite a lot of the blame, but we have enabled it by the divisions between us.

You will never find a better friend to the United States than Australia.

Stick Boy liked Match Girl, He liked her a lot. He liked her cute figure, he thought she was hot. But could a flame ever burn for a match and a stick? It did quite literally; he burned up quick.