I'm thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.

They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.

I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up.

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.

You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.

The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

Violent people usually express their love of a thing by their hatred of its opposite.

Keep your eyes on the stars, and your feet on the ground.

I'm pretty sure my addiction to reading has just reached a whole new level.

Immediately after a divorce or a breakup, your mind whispers that there are plenty more fish in the sea, while your heart shouts that there is only one whoever-you-just-divorced-or-broke-up-with.

What is next to ecstasy?Pain.What is next to pain?Nothingness.What is next to nothingness?Hell.

What objectivity and the study of philosophy requires is not an 'open mind,' but an active mind - a mind able and eagerly willing to examine ideas, but to examine them criticially.

A good story should change the way you see the world.

Sport is the only profession I know of that when you retire you have to go to work.

I compare the pressure of a golf shot with making an extra point in basketball. The player starts from a full stop, and that rim doesn't move.

A Congressional Budget Office study estimated that gulf energy infrastructure repair costs will be between $18 billion and $31 billion, just from the damages the hurricane created.

Good typography, first, makes words readable. At its best, it does something more: it helps express the animating spirit of the ideas behind the words.