I’m the frosting on America’s cake, and tonight I’m willing to let you lick the bowl.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

My greatest fear is that the audience will beat me to the punch line.

We teach our children one thing only, as we were taught: to wake up. We teach our children to look alive there, to join by words and activities the life of human culture on the planet

Rub-a-dub-dub. Cerebrum in a tub.

The church will not stay the same. It will either blossom because someone understands the season the church is in, or it will wither very quickly.

You don't realize what you're going to get, and you can't prepare yourself for it.

I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside, you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.

The left considers conservatives and Republicans to be their number one enemy, not Islam. Certainly not Islam! We conservatives and Republicans are a greater enemy that even Al-Qaeda or ISIS.

Listen, I didn't know how to make coffee when I came to the United States. Because in Colombia the maids do it.

I'd work for John Waters again, because he's so off the wall.