I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum.

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

I took the wife's family out for tea biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.

I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.

I toyed with the idea of playing Ravel's 'Pavane pour une infante defunte' but I couldn't remember if it's a tune or Latin prescription for piles.

My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.

My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

A square egg in a dish of lentils won't make a marrow bend with the wind, nor will it make rhubarb grow up the milkmaid's leg.

I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored.

Sometimes you have to cross the boundaries of Death in order to discover the meaning of Life.

Vote for the man who promises least he'll be the least disappointing.

Like all people who have nothing, I lived on dreams.

People are disappointed when the world doesn't end on their watch.

I always say my age is connected with three Cs. In here, cuore, which means the heart. Up here, cervello, which is the brain. And, of course, down here: the coglioni. I no feel my age, I tell you.

Instead of being a student of a (given) field, I would like you to be the field.

Connecting the world is really important, and that is something that we want to do. That is why Facebook is here on this planet.

Ability has nothing to do with opportunity.

He who loves goodness harbors angels, reveres reverence, and lives with God.

I work out at Runyon Canyon almost every morning.