I'm the sort of loser who succeeds really well and then drops a turd in the punch bowl.

Screw normal. You know why? 'Cause if you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make you their leader.

Everyone has an enemy. It's why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant.

I don't fail. I succeed at finding out what doesn't work.

Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die.

The normal make a living. The deranged make history.

I think when you sit alone with your brain too much, your own brain starts to rebel against you.

Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. My dad said, Booty - mmm mmm.

I don't believe in right or left; I don't believe in Santa or Satan. I believe in things I can touch - like vodka and Oreos.

Anyone can have a relationship but if you're dating a woman who's so crazy in bed that if you aren't wearing your Kevlar one night you might never see daylight again... that's exciting.

The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one. Your honor, can I have five minutes to make her not a liar, please?

Writing is the dancing of the mind on a stage called paper.

In life, we are all playing the game of thrones one way or the other

Thus I came to condemn capitalism, not through any oppression endured by me personally, but through that very deification of efficiency which capitalism had taught me, for its own purposes.

Most females will forgive a liberty rather than a slight

Delete the negative; accentuate the positive!

It is horrible to see everything that one detested in the past coming back wearing the colors of the future.

You don't have to believe that there was a King Arthur to get the significance of those stories, but Christians say we have to believe there was a Christ, or the miracles don't make sense.

If there is no truth, there is no injustice.

'Time after Time' is one of the best pop songs ever written, in my opinion. It's an incredible, beautiful, timeless song.

There are two kinds of experts: academic experts and practical experts. One is not better than the other, but they are very different, and each offers very different value.