I'm too cynical to be an optimist.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

I'm afraid to go into myself and see what's going on in there.

It's funny shooting movies because you get to see clubs during daylight hours, which no one should ever see - it's not pretty; there's a reason the lighting is dim in there.

Turn the key deftly in the oiled wards, And seal the hushed Casket of my Soul.

When there's no more room under the Christmas tree, Ken Foree will have a birthday.

All praise is to Allah, I'll fight any man, any animal, if Jesus were here I'd fight him too.

I try my best to really think about things before I react and respond.

Rock n' roll is dream soup, what's your brand?

He who knows about depth knows about God.

I think my heartbeat might be the Morse code for ‘inappropriate.’