I'm used to explaining to people why my jokes were funny.

I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but I had a bad habit of dropping things.

A man goes to the doctor for a check, and the doctor exams him and says I've got bad news, you've got cancer and alzheimers. The man goes Thank god I don't have cancer.

I was talking to Jesus, and I said, Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me. And Jesus looked at me and said, You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.

I just don't accept midgets as human beings. There's only so much political correctness I can accept.

I would show up at a party for Al Qaeda if you said there's going to be a dinner.

When you watch Robin Williams, you can see a lot of Jonathan Winters. Robin is the first one to admit that; he worshiped Jonathan Winters.

Every time I give a straight answer and read it in a magazine, I say, 'Ouch.' One day I'd like to talk to a psychoanalyst about why celebrities reveal so much of themselves in interviews.

Comedy historians take note: this Gottfried character doesn't have the best eye for detail - and, for a Jew, he doesn't have the best eye for retail, either.

If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.

I'm one of those people that picks up the remote control and just keep hitting constantly, even if I like the show I'm watching.

Laughing is the best calorie burner.

The only thing in my bag that works is the bug spray.

People always say, 'You look like Iggy Pop.'

There are hardly five critics in America; and several of them are asleep.

In another life, I would be your girl. Capable of making promises. We would rule the world.

While some people might find it distasteful to pay taxes, I don't. I find it patriotic.

Of all the phantoms fleeting in the mist Of time, though meagre all and ghostly thin; Most unsubstantial, unessential shade Was earthly fame.

To get wealth and security by guile Is like one who pours water into a pot of unbaked clay.

Intellectual disgrace Stares from every human face, And the seas of pity lie Locked and frozen in each eye.

Wars are not all evil, they are part of the grand machinery by which this world is governed.