I'm very arrogant and mean. I'm almost like a bad guy professional wrestler.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

I came on earth for something, I must do something, and I must live and leave not just anything, but something!

She was about to be married, and was frightened to death. And no-one would love her, ever again.

Doctrine is the frame-work of life; it is the skeleton of truth, to be clothed and rounded out by the living graces of a holy life. It is only the lean creature whose bones become offensive.

I'm lucky I had parents willing to be open and believe that an 11-year-old might know what she wanted to do. Or maybe they thought I'd find out that's what I didn't want to do.

(and from my thighs which shrug and pant a murdering rain leapingly reaches the upward singular deepest flower which she carries in a gesture of her hips)

... giving tax incentives for more labor ownership of company stock will do more to create jobs and increase productivity than all the "emergency full employment" bills proposed.

I don't feel like I've changed as much as radio formats have changed.

The alphabet was one thing when applied to clay or stone, and quite another when set down on light papyrus.

They that pray in the family do well; they that pray and read the Scriptures do better; but they that pray, and read, and sing do best of all.

The job of formal methods is to elucidate the assumptions upon which formal correctness depends.