I'm very happy and being raised Catholic I assume it will end tomorrow. The rug will be pulled out from under me and someone will say, now go to your real job, shoveling poop somewhere.

If you have a dream, just lie about it. Lie your way unto your dreams.

Joel McHale is so money, he should be printed on money.

In prison, inmates sometimes use Cheetos and grape juice as makeup. I wouldn't use that beauty regimen around Britney Spears - she might lick your face off!

I loved New Jersey. I thought it was the greatest place in the world because on Halloween kids could start trick or treating right after school. Isn't that great?

I used humor as survival, as a weapon and as comfort.

People have always said since TV was invented what a cultural wasteland it is but I think it is the worst and the best. It is the golden age of television.

I think we are as screwed as a culture as we are saved as a culture.

I don't think the NFL had the slightest intention of taking me, except as maybe a water boy.

Yes, I would say my comedy is grunge, evidenced by the fact my jokes have put an end to big-hair glam comedy.

I knew I wanted to be an actor. I just kept saying, "Until somebody tells me to stop, until I have to go get a real job, and until I'm practically homeless, I'm not gonna get one."

Most people are interested in success, but not COMMITTED to success, which is why 85%+ of people seldom achieve their desired level of success.

I did something wrong - once.

He who does not love sinners cannot pray aright for them.

There is no disinfectant like success.

Somehow, I don't think Jesus came to Earth to ring the bell at the New York Stock Exchange.

We go all wrong by too strenuous a resolution to go right.

The soul knows only the soul; the web of events is the flowing robe in which she is clothed.

The invention of Bob Dylan with his guitar belongs in its way to the same kind of tradition of something meant to be heard, as the songs of Homer.

I just finished reading the Koran, and there's nothing in there I didn't hear in Sunday school.

Yes, I am a failed playwright. I had three shows on Broadway by the time I was 30. They all flopped, and I fled.