I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

Laughter is the best medicine in the world.

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

You have to win something for people to think about you.

Sometimes you just can't hear yourself. Maybe ears are too close to the mouth.

What anybody else thinks about you is really of no consequence. It's what you think of yourself.

A film director has to get a shot, no matter what he does. We're desperate people.

Do you call yourself Free? It is your ruling thought that I would hear, and not that you have escaped from a yoke.

Behind every great man is an even greater woman.

If the course of human affairs be considered, it will be seen that many things arise against which heaven does not allow us to guard.

There are exceptions of course, but most companies start with a great idea - not a pivot.

Though the wisdom or virtue of one can very rarely make many happy, the folly or vice of one man often make many miserable.

I just wanted somebody to tell me that I could sing.