I made some jokes about weed, got some laughs, made some more jokes, got some more laughs; next thing you know, I'm telling a lot of jokes about it.

LL Cool J should be the spokesman for a line of pajamas called Ladies Love Cool Jammies.

Why would any woman agree to be on a show called Bridezillas? It's not like men would agree to be on Douchegroom.

You know you drank too much the night before when you wake up with crop circles in your pubes.

Big deal... the only cats that don't have three legs are the ones with two through zero legs.

A message to parents who think legalizing weed will make their kids want to try it: they will anyway.

The genius' behind the new Rocky movie decided to call it Rocky Balboa so that we'll probably forget that it's number six. Or Rocky Balboa can't count past five.

In Seattle, they have a saying: 'If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.'

I just broke up with my girlfriend because I caught her lying. Under another man.

Stand-up is a very scary, very solitary profession, but you have to experience it to figure out if it's right for you.

The great thing about being up early on a Sunday is nothing.

What you reject today, you could accept tomorrow. And what you accept today, you could reject tomorrow. Never say never unless you can predict the future.

And she's like, you know, the 'Grace' in U2's song, the one that 'carries the world on her hips'.” - Diana Rigsby, M.D. Ph.D.

I care about the diversity of the mindset of the people creating our future, and the windows through which we see it, and the tools we use to build it.

Wisdom too often never comes, and so one ought not to reject it merely because it comes late.

It's a "keep your fingers crossed" business, the entertainment business.

It's the task that's never started that's more tiresome.

I could talk more directly in a nonfiction voice than I could in fiction.

I give thanks for all that has passed, for all that is passing, and for all that is yet to come.

Language etches the grooves through which your thoughts must flow.

Technology has been defined, perhaps a little ungenerously, as "a long Greek name for a bag of tools".