I make a lot of jokes about vegetarians in my act but most of them don't have the strength to protest.

If you expect a kick in the balls and you get a slap in the face, it's a victory.

Marriage is when two people are joined together to become one desperately boring person.

Running is never fun. Running is something that you do when there's a man chasing you with a knife.

Football is the best way to get to know a people and a city.

By the miracle of teaching, I can give you some of my ability, without losing any of it myself.

He has been named as the heir apparent of the great Argentine hero, Diego Maradona, by journalists, players, and Maradona himself, alike. I'd personally put him in a drawer of my bedside table.

Keep a note pad and pencil on your bedside table. Million-dollar ideas sometimes strike at 3 A.M.

Eating meat is primitive, barbaric, and arrogant.

My friends, I like them; my morals, I like them more!

There will be no good business unless the majority comes to agree that we should demand more from business than large quarterly returns.

The woman who steals your boyfriend has the ugliest shoes on earth. Truly hideous. You wouldn't be caught dead in them.

I had the radio on, I was driving. Trees flew by, me and Del were singing, Little Runaway, I was flying.

Dreams, books, are each a world; and books, we know, Are a substantial world, both pure and good: Round these, with tendrils strong as flesh and blood, Our pastime and our happiness will grow.

I do not care to die, but I pray to God I may never leave this field.