I may buy the Alamo and give it back to Mexico.

My swing is so bad I look like a caveman killing his lunch.

Pressure is playing for ten dollars when you don't have a dime in your pocket.

Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.

You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.

I'm going to win so much money this year, my caddie will make the top twenty money-winners list.

The older I get, the better I used to be.

You're Mexican until you make money and then you're Spanish.

I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.

If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron.

There are two things you can do with your head down - play golf and pray.

No more, ' I told him. 'No more running in the wrong direction... You run to me'.

I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.

One would have to say "in the end everything is a gag, etc" because everything is infinitely more than just a gag. The same applies to other "is"-statements such as "Laughter is an instant vacation"

I'm always trying to make the music sexier with every album, every tour. I just try to inch my way toward just a little sexier. I know it's tough for me.

To be the name on somebody's shirt that they've made themselves in preparation for one of your shows - it doesn't get much cooler than that.

If you make an honest picture of war, it will be an antiwar photograph.

In general, watching children's television is a dark and surreal descent into madness where the characters on the screen talk directly to you.

Beauty is Nature's coin, must not be hoarded, But must be current, and the good thereof Consists in mutual and partaken bliss.

You don’t forget the face of the person who was your last hope.

I do not believe that any two men, on what are called doctrinal points, think alike who think at all. It is only those who have not thought that appear to agree.