I may not be the best dad but I taught my son how to get free samples at the mall.

We have chemical weapons in America too, they're called meth and cocaine.

You write some material, go up on stage and try it out; go back home and throw it in the trash can. And the next day do it again.

The police pulled me over and asked me if I have anything illegal in my car. I looked at my cousin and I ran.

I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.

I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.

Rich people bring a lawyer. Latinos and blacks bring their mom.

I like to watch French movies with the volume up so my neighbors could think I'm terrorist.

My mom cooked the same food every day - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was enchiladas, it was - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was burritos, it was still - tortillas, beans and meat.

The war in Iraq is still going on. The British are helping. Mexico wants to help, but they need a ride over there.

I envy people who could just have one drink and not go look for cocaine afterwards.

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

Quality in a classical Greek sense is how to live with grace and intelligence, with bravery and mercy.

There is nothing I like better at the end of a hot summer's day than taking a short walk around the garden. You can smell the heat coming up from the earth to meet the cooler night air.

Accordingly, death is a harbor of peace for the just, but is believed a shipwreck for the wicked.

Either be a true friend or a mere stranger: a true friend will delight to do good--a mere stranger will do no harm.

You've got to think lucky. If you fall into a mudhole, check your back pocket - you might have caught a fish

I was a cocky kid, and I felt like I was an adult at, like, 9. I think that's because my parents always treated me as an adult.

I don't think that Slaughterhouse-Five was successful movie material. In fact, Vonnegut's books mostly I don't feel are movie material.

How is it that one rails against that which is nearly a certainty?

You're always in the kitchen," Alianora said when she poked her head through the door a moment later. "Or the library. Don't you ever do anything but cook and read?