I mean, I'd like to see (Mitt Romney's) house burn, one of his millions of houses burning down. It would be kind of cool - the Mormon fire patrol.

I keep my stand-up comedy notes in a pile on my desk. I don't organize my act. I keep myself in a state of confusion. It stresses me out, but I prefer creative chaos.

I don't get jealous of people. Jealousy is such a waste of time because you're jealous of them, and they go about their lives and have a wonderful time, so what's the point?

Those flowers were picked by illegal immigrants. And they're not voting for you, b*tch.

Everyone thinks I'm Jewish. I'm not. Last year I got a call: "Happy Hanukkah." I said "Ma, I'm not Jewish."

Madeleine Albright, when you see her, she's not a beautiful woman and she's getting older. But you're saying that woman has gravitas. She knows what she's talking about.

I want to do an intelligent talk show where you have room to breathe...

I don't need a diet pill. I need something that gives you an electric shock when you reach for food.

Statistically, skinny women die younger than fat women. Why? Because fat women are killing them.

Republican Party hasn't been black friendly over the many centuries in this country.

Comedians usually are rooting for the underdog. I mean to take a shot at an underdog I think is really stupid and low and not funny.

Once a flower is picked it immediately begins to die.

Give and take.Oil and water. Yes, it is that simple!

Love doesn't need to be perfect. It just needs to be true.

The young fancy that their follies are mistaken by the old for happiness. The old fancy that their gravity is mistaken by the young for wisdom.

When you make drama you are like Picasso. Drama is whatever you want it to be.

Acting is like playing, while directing is really fun, sort of like an orgy.

Brick walls are there for reason. And once you get over them-- even if someone has practically had to throw you over-- it can be helpful to others to tell them how you did it.

Now if you know what you're worth. Then go out and get what you're worth.

If you'd see my schedule, you'd know I have no time to slow down.

My routine is all about preparation.