I mean my goal is to get Michael Richards to do stand up at the Laugh Factory to an all black audience.

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.

Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.

I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.

Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.

The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.

They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'

U will have success where you diligently labor

Teams Triumph When Today's Tribe Leaders Transform Their Mindset.

I'm not a prophet. I'm not a teacher. I have no degrees. My degree is from the University of Life.

I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread.

I would like to see it go back to the wood racquets. To see the touch put back in tennis.

Apparently the show happens even if I'm not there. Who knew?

I'm always there to tell people that their life is not that bad. I wish it was easy to follow that advice.

I like to think that the stuff I do is oftentimes collaborative, so to have other people in it felt natural.

Those who speak most of illness have illness, those who speak most of prosperity have it..etc.

Religion is the peculiarity of the growth of the Indian mind.