I mean, personally, I would have had no problem surviving. Come on, how hard is it to swim?

I was mad when I heard The Amazing Race wasn't about white people.

I was kosher until I had my Bar Mitzvah, and I parlayed officially becoming a man into telling my father I wanted to eat cheeseburgers.

I once fisted two babies and then used the corpses as boxing gloves to fight off the grieving parents.

It's all about being a part of something in the community, socializing with people who share interests and coming together to help improve the world we live in.

In New York, we tip everyone. We tip doormen, we tip cab drivers, and we tip bartenders at the bar. You'll get quite an evil eye if you don't leave a tip at the bar.

I like hot dogs. I like eggplant. I like pizza and creamed corn and beer. But I don't like Arabs.

The best way to travel abroad is to live with the locals.

I don't mind it if blacks want equal rights, as long as they mean rights equal to a dog

It turns out Superman is weak to Kryptonite and horses.

Women have the right to choose what do with their own bodies. They can take it in the cooch or in the pooper. But that's where their right to choose stops, in my opinion.

Life never goes according to plan. That's okay, because often our plans are much smaller than life intends. Probably EASIER, but smaller.

This world does not exist to you when you are missing.

Nothing valuable or great was ever discovered by quitting.

Sometimes dreams show me that my writing should go deeper. Dreams have not so much changed my work as deepened it.

Atheists tend to read only each other’s books and not the work of the religious thinkers they are supposedly refuting.

That's what a good crime novelist - any good novelist - should do with you: play with your perceptions while showing you everything in plain sight.

I've enjoyed the pleasures of working since I was 12 and earned all my own spending money since I was 14.

Liberty and choice are the essential components that constitute human dignity.

Irreverence is the lifeblood of freedom.

A toothache will cost a battle, a drizzle cancel an insurrection.