I mean, so what if it's a little dangerous? A one-armed kid is comedy gold.

I was mad when I heard The Amazing Race wasn't about white people.

I was kosher until I had my Bar Mitzvah, and I parlayed officially becoming a man into telling my father I wanted to eat cheeseburgers.

I once fisted two babies and then used the corpses as boxing gloves to fight off the grieving parents.

It's all about being a part of something in the community, socializing with people who share interests and coming together to help improve the world we live in.

In New York, we tip everyone. We tip doormen, we tip cab drivers, and we tip bartenders at the bar. You'll get quite an evil eye if you don't leave a tip at the bar.

I like hot dogs. I like eggplant. I like pizza and creamed corn and beer. But I don't like Arabs.

The best way to travel abroad is to live with the locals.

I don't mind it if blacks want equal rights, as long as they mean rights equal to a dog

It turns out Superman is weak to Kryptonite and horses.

Women have the right to choose what do with their own bodies. They can take it in the cooch or in the pooper. But that's where their right to choose stops, in my opinion.

It is Pointless Trying to Impress Someone Who Doesn’t Care about You

Those same fists had always defied everything expected of her.

The internet is an endless field of cow crap. To find the diamond amongst that crap you need to eat it first.

In all kinds of ways there are different freedoms that effect our lives and you can assess what our lives are like by looking at the various freedoms that we have.

We must not confuse distortion with innovation; distortion is useless change, art is beneficial change.

Every Hebrew should look upon his Faith as a temple extending over every land to prove the immutability of God and the unity of His purposes.

I say to myself, sometimes the tide is just out. But it always comes back in again.

The healthy man is the thin man. But you don’t need to go hungry for it: Remove the flours, starches and sugars; that’s all.

The envious person grows lean with the fatness of their neighbor.

What a sight there is in that "smile!" it changes like a chameleon. There is a vacant smile, a cold smile, a smile of hate, a satiric smile, an affected smile; but, above all, a smile of love.