I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.

Velcro: what a rip-off.

Black beauty - he's a dark horse.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.

It's these small differences in people's karma that determine if we get up or remain lying on the ground.

Wherever we go, there seems to be only one business at hand - that of finding workable compromises between the sublimity of our ideas and the absurdity of the fact of us.

The people who go the craziest when they hear the name 'Hemingway' are my English teachers!

If the world does not shine brightly, even just the physical, sensual perception after meditation, you have not meditated. You have sat and thought of things that were not real.

All these people I interview are worth ten times what I'm worth.

Never say a humorous thing to a man who does not possess humour: he will always use it in evidence against you.

I have never been an innovator, a creative genius.

I don't like the royal family, I don't like the establishment, I don't like the civil service.

Happiness is a shadow of harmony; it follows harmony. There is no other way to be happy.

Education is no longer thought of as a preparation for adult life, but as a continuing process of growth and development from birth until death.