I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

If you live in Fear, Success will disappear.

Unheard-of combinations of circumstances demand unheard-of rules.

The overwhelming majority of Americans are possessed of two great qualities a sense of humor and a sense of proportion.

Get in touch with nature. The stillness of nature is profound and yet subtle.

The universe is limitless and so are you. There is a limitless supply of good that the universe wants to show you. Step out of the way and let it be!

Children have neither past nor future - they rejoice in the present.

Forgiveness costs us nothing. All our costly obedience is the fruit, not the root, of being forgiven. That's why we call it grace.

Divinity is in all things in such a way that all things are in divinity.

What one generation finds ridiculous, the next accepts; and the third shudders when it looks back on what the first did.

My passion for storm chasing has always been driven by the beautiful and powerful storms displayed in the heartland each spring.