I misdirect the audience, so they have no idea where they are or who they're listening to.

Quotes are for dumb people who can't think of something intelligent to say on their own.

Once a week, I like to slip into a deep existential depression where I lose all my sense of oneness and self-worth.

I love you just the way you are but you don't see you like I do. You shouldn't try so hard to be perfect. Trust me, perfect should try to be you.

I saw a giraffe with a short neck That was sad Or a deer

If Jesus can walk on water, can he swim on land?

Laughter is the best medicine, y'know, besides medicine.

Squaring numbers are just like women. If they're under thirteen, just do them in your head.

If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.

I stopped and I thought, 'What would Jesus do?' So I didn't exist.

Maybe life on earth could be heaven, doesn't just the thought of it make it worth a try?

Not every relationship is meant to last. Some are there to create an impact on your life. Relationships that last three months are just as important as ones that last a lifetime.

People just assume that if you're famous, you're in Hollywood.

I'm just a regular person who believes life is simple, and I like a simple life.

Write whatever way you like. Fiction is made of words on a page; reality is made of something else. It doesn't matter how "real" your story is, or how "made up": what matters is its necessity.

We don't turn back. We leave no one behind. We pull each other up.

It is easier to hate an enemy with much good in him than one who is all bad. We cannot hate those we despise.

If you do not find me funny, that is your problem and I am not going away.

In philosophy if you aren't moving at a snail's pace you aren't moving at all.

We were basically strangers going off into the wilderness

I kind of think I have the best job in America. I work with amazing people who challenge me daily. My job as a memeber of DoSomething.org is never boring. I'm constantly learning. And we laugh a lot.