I miss dating only for that final moment you kiss goodnight, watch her get out of your car and run into the police station.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

A vacation is three times more work without the payment.

And it's wrong of you to think that love leaves room for nothing else. It's possible to love something and still condescend to it.

It should be noted that the EPA's banning of methanol is categorically absurd from the point of view of environmental protection.

It's important to make sure that governments have some checks on what they do, that people can oversee what's being done so the government doesn't abuse it.

Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.

God will never violate His Word, but He doesn’t seem to mind violating our understanding of His Word.

Thinke of ease, but worke on.

Once you play a tournament, you're playing against the golf course, you're playing against yourself and trying to do the best you can.

But avoidance allows you to believe that you're making all kinds of strides when you're not.

What does it profit you that all the libraries of the world should be yours? Not knowledge but what one does with knowledge is your profit.